Fireside Chats with Danielle

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Fireside Chats

Chat One with Danielle

Danielle was sitting by the fire sharing her story about a memory from her childhood…she shared that she had an older brother in her foster care home that had carried her around and this was her basic memory beginning as a toddler.  The biggest problem for her in this memory was that he did so with his finger in her vagina.  Danielle said these memories seem to start as early as 2 years old.  She feels her brother had control over her and that she did not feel anything negative toward him.   

Danielle stated she did not suppress or repress these memories while growing up and always knew this information throughout her life.  She remembers pjs she wore and details about sitting on her brother’s lap frequently.  He was about 5 years older than she.  She shared that he came into her bedroom frequently at night and masturbated her to an orgasm.  He did this in spite of Danielle rooming with her two younger foster sisters.  Neither of her sisters ever acknowledged knowing anything about her relationship with her brother.  Since they were younger, Danielle assumed they never knew what was happening and she never told anyone.  She admitted she felt very protective of her brother and did not want to cause him harm.

Danielle eventually started her period.  Once this happened she reveal her experience totally shifted and she wanted desperately to avoid her brother. He was then 17 years old and attempting to become open in their relationship and to penetrate her.  She felt angry and terrified.  Danielle began to fight him physically.  This led to his being beaten by their mother, naked and with a belt-buckle.  Danielle shared she felt guilty, shameful, and sad for her brother while at the same time glad he was punished.  She stated she knew he would leave her alone after that and he did.

Danielle had her first sexual relationship at age 14 with a boy who was 21.  She was very attached to him and at 16 Danielle had an abortion which she continued to carry shame about throughout her life.  Around that time, he revealed he had another girlfriend his age. She was devastated by this and immediately got into a relationship with another male who was 21.  She eventually married him at the young age of 17.  During this marriage, she experienced a complete lack of a sexual relationship and no intimacy on an emotional level. IT seemed once he had married her, he was completely unavailable for intimacy although he did not have affairs.  Danielle did have a sexual affair and felt a deep remorse and self-judgment over this. Eventually Danielle left the marriage in her thirties after overcoming a deep terror of being alone.  Her spouse was very punishing toward her and was not able to acknowledge any of his part in her suffering.

In her Core Therapy, Danielle admitted she experienced an unusual type of sexual addiction in her life. As a result of her commitment and monogamy, her sexual addiction was not focused on in her earlier therapies and her relationship status was “normalized”.  Her relationships always reflected similar feeling patterns to the one she had with her brother as a child and this went unexplored in the present.   In relationship, Danielle was emotionally dependent, infatuated, obsessed, and had to be touched. She felt desperate to avoid abandonment and rejection as this would cause her to be alone.   She seldom had the real emotional intimacy and did not receive any financial support in her relationships.  She was the primary financial support.   She admitted this caused her to be “blind” in her choices of men.  Those who showed an intense interest, who were highly sexualizing their relationship with her, and who were exploitative were her first choice as they seemed to “care” for her and to “need” her. This allowed her to feel more secure and less likely to be abandoned.  In reality, the opposite was true.   

Danielle would become deeply and immediately attached with no will of her own to maintain her own life and stability.  She had no “buffers” in terms of family or close friends.  She was unable to make sure they were bringing anything REAL to her except physical contact.  Predictably, they were always manipulative, self-centered and exploitive.   Danielle had no template for what “love” might feel like or look like in a relationship.

Each relationship would last 4 or more years until Danielle would inevitably begin to “wake up” and “discover” her “man” was lying to her about sexual escapades with other women and transgressing the deeply held “LOVE PRINCIPLES” Danielle held so dear.  She would beg and plead with her mate to enact her higher love principles and she was consistently lied to and then disappointed with lies, manipulations and exploitive behaviors.  Danielle would eventually realize her partner was “using” her and that her principles were not achievable in the relationship.  Danielle would then let go and immediately feel deep pain and sorrow which she alleviated in the next infatuation. 

Danielle was lucky in that she did not attract physical violence into her life, especially since she gave herself up so completely each time she was in a relationship.  She was a strong personality that always studied and worked on herself in different therapies.  As a result she was learning and growing  and this served to provide support and strength.  Once she opened her eyes and saw she “had to leave and start over again” she did so as if her life depended on it.

Once Danielle entered Core Energetics Therapy she immediately began working on her energy system. Working with her deep sadness, longing, and her ability to experience anger and to ask for her needs led to working deeply with her own sexual appetite and the cross wiring she experienced from the beginning of her life.  She was able to realize that on a physical level, she had been activated too young and completely overstimulated sexually beginning as a toddler.  This left a deeply ingrained energetic pattern of charge and discharge that depended on sex.  She lacked the natural curiosity and wide range interests in her life that would have led her in areas of increasing interest and possibly joy.

Initially she struggled with the therapeutic focus on her mask and lower self as her own self judgments caused a shame and unworthiness to occur.  Once she was able to accept ownership of her own impulses realizing that she did not cause the abuse she had experienced, her work empowered her and led to an open hearted warmth toward herself and her own needs.  

Since the work in therapy included her dreams, she was able to learn to see her own patterns from early childhood reflected there.  Since her foster brother the earliest provider of warmth and touch her was reflected in her deeply held dreaming patterns. Her attachment to a perceived strong male was there along with a terror of abandonment and rejection.  In addition, there was a nefarious kind of experience with the males in her dreams.  Females and mothering was noticeably absent for her.   In her therapeutic work on herself, she was able to make distinctions between the emotional perceptions of a toddler and that of an adult woman.  The dreams were visceral, sensual, and physical and she was able to see her own reactive pattern in daily life that was seemingly triggered by cueing.  The sense of a male who wanted to “take her on” and “be with her” was so stimulating for her. Once she had that male in her life, she perceived herself as “safe” and was able to settle down as long as he delivered.  That delivery required nothing more than physical touch that felt good to her, and a respectful attitude toward her so she did not feel “unsafe”.  She could see that this is what babies are looking out for that in their environment. Safety, touch, and a sense of emotional security.

Danielle always experienced a kind of shyness, shame and guilt which caused her to hold herself to a much higher standard than she held others.  In her therapy as she opened up her understanding to what her normal developmental needs were in her childhood, she also began to be able to see how limited her knowledge and understanding really was and, the degree to which this early ingrained experience had a devastating impact on her ability to maintain her own stability.  Since her trauma and devastating lack of having her basic developmental needs met, she was actually “blind” when it came to perceiving a normal adequate relationship. Her understanding adult sexuality and life choices in a stable partner were just not available to her.  Her wounding caused a deep sense of immediacy and her relationship addictive patterns were very destructive to her stability.  She was unable to “hold herself” and remain alone and focused.  Over and over throughout her therapy she would enter a new relationship based on an immediate infatuation which she perceived as “love”.  Since this would last a long time, most of her early therapies did not directly address the pattern.

A difficulty for many people who are healing and changing themselves is the fact that what we experience in our earliest months and years creates a dreaming template that is difficult to see and change.  This early experience creates ingrained patterns and embeds itself most deeply in the body mind and shows up in our dreams.   Next these ingrained experiences flood into the emotional levels and the later developed thinking patterns create an overlay.  This makes those of us with the most deeply ingrained “traumas” often look “childish” to others with less early trauma.  These early experiences of neglect and abuse show up as destabilizing ingrained driving impulses.  These become organizing traumatic imprints that do not make sense to other people.  We look “crazy” to them but not in the sense of a schizophrenic whose thoughts are obviously disorganized or a bipolar person who has episodes of obviously grandiose and psychotic phases or who have become so depressed they barely move.

This type of early trauma and the resulting “insanity”  creates unhealthy relationship patterns.  The desperate need for relationship, the inability to see the obvious, and the tendency to continually repeat the pattern of attraction and failure, all reflect the early nature of the experience.  The longer the experience went on in the early childhood the more this pattern will be reflected in the very fabric of the person’s life.  For Danielle this was the place where her life continually became dismantled and devastating to her stability.  

Therapy in many ways continually exacerbated the problem because the therapies were not able to clearly delineate and explain to her the pattern and what she had to do to begin to dismantle it.  Since she continually attracted males who had “something to hide” like her brother, her therapy had to explore her child view of her brother and her child love toward him. This continually brought up a tremendous amount of body type shame for her where she “felt” it deeply as a sense of her own “badness” and “unworthiness” as if she was a “dirty little secret” and not like other people who deserved more.  This created a deep schism in her energy flow and caused her to “split” and not be able to complete handle her own flow and alignment.  On a psychological level this meant she split off into acting out without realizing it.  This led to a re-enactment pattern throughout her life.

This underlying sense of herself as unworthy and unable to understand what she needed and could have for herself in her relationships led her to ask minimally for herself in her life. She was often able to speak up for others and was very articulate.  However, she was not able to tell her own story in such a way that she found release and freedom along with a sense of her own worthiness and power.   She deserved better from life than she was able to receive.  Once this was established she was able to begin to understand her own script and engage her energy full on into having herself first and foremost.

In Core Energetics therapy the initial focus was on complete acceptance of her sexuality, her love and her childish view of reality.  Given that support and freedom, she was able to begin to “open up” her energy system and learn to charge and discharge on a physical level.  This led to a re-experiencing of her memories sometimes on a visceral physical level more than visual memory.  She was able to incorporate exercises that helped her to discharge with involuntary shaking which she began to achieve daily without exercises.  

On the emotional level, Danielle had lacked the normal support and nurturing of a mother and the guidance of a father.  This had made her seek that in her relationship leading to enormous disappointment.  As an adult she could not find a love that was like a stable parent and achieve what she had lacked that in her childhood.  As a result she was vulnerable to males who had nothing to offer.  

One of Danielle’s gifts was her intelligence.  She studied and intuitively knew that her spiritual center mattered to her.  This had led her to Core Energetics as a therapy since the model sees spiritual experience as a natural byproduct of a fully aligned energy system that is refined, accountable and truthful.    As a result of her intelligence she was able to try to apply these same principles to all aspects of her life.  She understood how to “clean up” her life and as a result she gave up substances and chemicals. She stopped smoking, using any drugs and began to explore pure plant oils.  She went to a holistic healer and went on the eat right diet while getting deep tissue massage and acupuncture.  She was able focus on these modalities while developing in her career. Her dedication to her own work and service was a source of financial support for her.  

Danielle became increasingly physically fit and was no longer anxious and afraid on a daily basis. She continued to get into relationships that were unhealthy and would then dismantle her life and stability only to wake up, realize and leave.  She was not able to hold herself without a male and her choices deteriorated to more successful narcissistic males who punished her.  As a result she was able to begin to see her own belief that she had always deserved to be punished.  There continued to be an emptiness Danielle experienced when she was physically alone and this led her to feel a deep sense of self-rejection and fear.  

Once Danielle experienced losses and moved into her senior years she had completely given up on finding her “soul-mate”.  She was able to see how she had used esoteric teachings to support a childlike view of relationship.  No longer addicted to touch or sexuality, she was able to develop her own interests and no longer craved a relationship.  Her spiritual center and her gifts helping others became a source of joy in her life. She studied many subjects and created while she continued to focus on her own experience and sharing with others.

In her therapy, Danielle had finally learned self-soothing.  She was able to self soothe and self-nurture on a physical, emotional, mental and spiritual level.   She learned to eat while maintaining her health and had a refined understanding of food and toxins.  She learned to develop an emotionally nurturing language inside herself.  She continually worked with her own inner dialogue and took full responsibility for loving herself. 

Since Danielle had learned to fight for herself and her life, she began to live a more simple life that reflected a real relationship with reality on it’s own terms.  She was no longer dependent on a therapy, a model or a person to live.

During her life, Danielle had experienced very punishing partners who “hated” her once she was able to move on.  This punishment occurred in many aspects of her life and included work partnerships.   Not everyone supported her when she finally decided she needed to come back to herself and her own life focus. She seemed to expect and accept this kind of treatment from others. 

The key for Danielle was to stop living to “share her gifts” as an exchange for love and to learn to live for herself as an act of service to “the world”.  She became a stable source of love and support for herself in a world she often found harsh and punishing.  Since Danielle was a gifted woman with a lot to share, she was always in a place where she was loved by others and when she did not dismantle this, she experienced joy and forgiveness.  Eventually after many years alone, Danielle married a man who brought her a mature love and care she had never experienced before.  This led her into a period of prosperity and understanding which she then shared with others. 

Danielle was able to see that all people on this planet are a “mess” and that over her lifetime she was learning a kind of deep “crazy wisdom” that was valuable no matter what she did with it.  She learned to feel her heart for herself as much as she did for animals and others. Once she learned to sleep and live alone, her deep connection to her own spirit, her body, and to her own intuition, allowed her to have a relationship where she truly felt protected and nurtured. Her crazy wisdom became that of a wise woman who had completed her task of healing.  Her standards for friendship and relationship became kindness and understanding.

In her older years, Danielle shared her stories with many other women in her groups.  She was a strong woman who did not believe you could refine your own healing and energy without always valuing the truth with compassion above all else.  Her Core Energetic therapy had permitted her to work on all of the levels of existence while her Holotropic Breathwork therapy allowed her to have full expression and connection to her dreamer.

Although her life was hard, Danielle had found her “true love” within.  She had passed to the “next level” and she knew she had done her best with her trauma.  She was a valued member of the fireside chats group and I am very grateful she was my friend. She made a deep contribution to many.

The message from Danielle’s story and sexual trauma is one of self- acceptance, courage to continue on, and to forgive your experiences for the inevitable expression of your trauma and your healing.  As the Toltec warrior says, “be impeccable” and realize “there are no angels on this earth”.  I would add, there are no angels only healers on their way home.

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Patricia Haman
Patricia Haman
Patricia is a Master Healer, Teacher and Coach. She spent many years as an international trainer in Core Energetics, a powerful physical, emotional, mental and spiritually focused therapy. She is a skilled trauma therapist, a Certified Breathwork Facilitator, a Board Certified in both alternative and traditional hypnosis. Patricia spent years as a family therapist and a University Advanced Psychology Faculty Member. She has co-created institutes focused on advancing group work and alternative healing. Patricia is now residing in Wilmington Delaware and continues to be available on-line. Phone 302-390-0911
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